non-pregnancy craving.

excerpts from a recruit's walk.

just while i'm packing to book in again, this time i accidentally brought along my blue bunny journal book which buddy Reza (PS I MISS YOU) gave to me before i enlisted, as i flipped through the many scribbled pages, many memories just came haunting back. in a good way, some not.

3rd July 2007

"just what is it about bringing along hte burdens and past hurts from previous relationships to your current?

is there usch a deterrence? we're living in constant fear and insecurity that unfaithful (or any other respective vice) partners are rife

will there ever be a resolution to this stigmatic potential killer to intimacy?

the answer is no. there is no evitable doubt that we will, in time-to-tim question or suspect or doubt our loyalty. this is caused by circumstances and the occasionally uncontrolled emotions.

I remembered the ex saying " i can't or will not bleieve anything you say till i see it" over the phone. true. i admire long distance relationships. but i admire the harsh reality, that is the less you see your partner, the higher chance of infidelity.

how do we overcome this factor that negatively pushes the relationship of every healthy human? visual/ expressive trust. not just trust, but trust through visible or audible methods.
"

***

10th July 2007

7 things that make me Euphoric in TEKONG!

1. ice cream instead of fruit during meal times
2. the few seconds before sergeant yells "berhenti" after a march from the cookhouse
3. topless wherever in the bunk. SHIOK SEH SO COOLING AFTER PT SIAAAA.
4. messages from loved ones on my phone
5. The zouk Polaroid of me & the boaters pasted on my locker door
6. afternoon admin time
7. Cat 1 signal! (RAIN!)

***

26th July 2007

Field camp's over! it was quite memorable, there were its high times and low times as well. but i did not get the full force discipline due to my flatfoot problems (which PS: getting worse!) so no pushups till the last day or funny exercises. I guess the memorable period was when it rained non stop for 4 days. and we were leopard crawling through the mud and subsequently sleeping in it. gross.

but during some points while i was trawling through the yuck, i though is infantry duty for 6 months worth the rank of a sergeant?

you won't realise how out of my shell i felt sleeping on a wet muddy groundsheet. but through this, i was convinced o fmy decision.

****

6th August 2007

the tears i cry at romantic movies or when i just think back. the deep emotional attachements i felt for you for me for us

you told me to move on. i tried eventually, then the phone call happened. and it made me think again. think a lot, but i didn't reply much lest i say things that could trigger the raw emotional hurt that might manifest. i tried to convince myself to believe in what you said that we won't work out. maybe we won't but i'm just tied down by what we had and what we could have had.

i guess we had a different interpretation on love.

*****

20th August 2007

now that only 2 route marches are left, Orion 4 is in a rather peaceful state, i ______________ so that i could pursue my As, driving and basically be there for the Matriach.

by 2007, 15 june Monday ORD!

i will

-complete my GCE A levels with decent grades
-get into NTU SCI , NUS FASS or SMU Biz / Social Science
-Driving license achieved!

******

24th August 2007

tears tears, are like rain.
there's always a seasonal downpour

but when it hits the ground. it proves its worth the journey, it benefits its experience to others. to the ground. to the flowers. to the fauna.

not in the best periods of my life again. the anguish, hurt, sorrow, melancholy, reminisce and all that typical cliche jargon emo people use to describe their entries.

i'm just not myself for awhile. and it's just not right anymore.

but i just can't take the first step to change anything. there's enough hurt going around to start more.

Melancholy Photos.

me and Aviel after watching Evan Almighty

something for your viewing pleasure. this was.. *counts* about year 1 poly, hence, 4 years ago. dramatic change. hawt and prettaye. LOL.
i miss you buddy.
i miss you guys too.

****
Saturday High Tea with my good ole Cirque De Soleil Colleague of 2 years ago!

Toast @ Taka, quietly tucked away behind all the atas shops. it serves very delicious cupcakes! (mine's Nutella coated) and nice Mango Lassi Shakes.

the crazy flounder JACKIE!
me and my very sinful decadence Nutella cupcake & Mango Lassi. the textiles are nice too, it's very aeronautical (don't ask) and very bathroom tiles @ the same time.

i hope to get into SMU with ya too jacq! but by then you'll be graduating.

Vintage meets Boho.

**

"If you pray to God for strength, does He give you strength? No, He gives you the OPPORTUNITY to show and develop strength" - Evan Almighty (2007)

spreading wings and words

my weekend.. quite eventful i suppose.. met up with Uncle Alan for tea on saturday afternoon accompanied with Killiney's famous curry puffs, or meeting up with Debbie for a quick lunch @ Marina Sq this afternoon.

*

gah, so many things to write about, to voice, to express.. but the countdown to booking in has severely limited myself to word constipation.

and a tied up throat with words being accumulated at the neck. it's suffocating.

actually, everything is, we all come to a point where a chapter closes and things are left behind.

and sometimes when you open a new chapter in your life, you realise, it's going through the motion once again.

the old has been made new
the grave-going has been made young
the timid has been made weak
the strong has been made tough

and deja vu repeats itself once again

*

sometimes, when you lack sleep, you technically become depressed.

the key word is technically.

some pictures before bookout (@*#&!(*#&!(#

they came over earlier to cut the cake and making frozen watermelon martinis & lychee shockers using the good ole blender! plus, the Ben&Jerry cake i ordered was tasty. pity my bad time management that caused us to rush to the club earlier.

ahh, 2007's loot, excluding TSBF Leon & Kelly Jie's EH Cap that i just recevied last night. not bad aye! :) thanks alot all.

say goodbye to my dirty white walls and cluttered belongings.

Sunday had a chest so thick

so i'm stuck at home supervising the painting of the other rooms of the house, which PS: mine is totally LIME GREEN :)

so yes, a boring sunday with so much clearing up to do simultaneously while doing an eagle eye onto the workers ensuring the white coat of paint is immaculately placed.

yes, the sarcasm is very thick.

ohwells. at least i got a nice room colour and it's time to do some heavy clearing up and cleaning, but thanks to the wonderous lifestyle that is the Tekong chalet, i am left with minimal hours to clean and clear.

i'd love to write so much about camp, but SAF forbids me to.

Rihanna - Please don't stop the Music

post-party afterthought

the party was a blast somewhat.

i'm pretty much speechless now that i think back. i don't know whether that's a good thing or not.

so happy 20th to me!

thank you for growing up all these years, all one-fifth of a century old.
thank you for going through a breakup and holding in some of your emotions back.
thank you for moving past failures and picking yourself up.
thank you for coming out of the passive shell and be a leader.
thank you for enduring pain cause tough times don't last, tough men do.
thank you for knowing where your true friends are
thank you for learning things you'd never thought you'd learn
thank you for being a klutz at times cause you can only laugh at yourself in this lifetime
thank you for crying when you're down, you felt better after
thank you for laughing that unique laugh, that extinguishes any sorrow from others
thank you for coping with the unbearable pain of losing a member of the family, it made you stronger
thank you for bearing the grievances of others, patience developed from there
thank you for expecting less from others, they're bound to disappoint you someday
thank you for thinking alot, dreams, visions and ideas sprung forth from there
thank you for gossiping, it's therapeutic
thank you for eating, food for the soul and comforting to the heart
thank you for slimming down, it made you hotter
thank you for worrying, it makes Murphy's law more bearable.
thank you for identifying yourself as the unique one that everyone celebrates on 11th august (and a minor few that laments)

-----

presents photos people and pictures are gonna be up next friday. thank you all for the presents and wellwishes. i know the theme was hard, but i'm glad you guys dressed up anyway (:

11th August 2007

the big two zero.

Liquor!

Hello Mr Bols and welcome to the liquor family. you may be the most different from the Absoluts, but you'll make a great neighbour. and better yet, you'll be the next one used this saturday (: surprise.

so the alone time was good. no conversations with anyone (well, except bumping into Eliza Gan Yingying at orchard) just aimlessly walking around Raffles City.

which FYI, boy was Singapore having a big period. Red was EVERYWHERE in all shades and hues.

yeah, the alone time was good (like i said) i smiled to myself at times. just grateful to have this time to rethink and reflect.

boy i really do cherish civilian life. well, at least i bought some stuff to surprise the boys back at camp. ORION 4 Section 2 :D afterall, August is the time for birthdays (not _just_ mine)

***

in 2 days, gawd! i'm so excited! i really can't wait for everyone to have a good time. it's so weird, i rarely throw parties (well only on a rare annual basis), heck, actually the last time i threw a party was in sec 3.

but i guess, when you're in the army, everyday outside of camp is a good time to celebrate! i hope everyone has a good time.

and i hope i don't get wasted. lol.

.

"i know this is out of the blue, but i'm getting married tomorrow. well, maybe i am. I keep thinking about you and i'm wondering if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? No, of course you're not. but if you are, call me tonight"
- Emily to Ross, FRIENDS Season 5.

red. not just the flag.

what a fucked up national day.

not only do i miss the live telecast of the NDP first time @ Marina Bay

i'm gonna be out in town alone thanks to ahem someone flying my plane. i swear i'm gonna throw an apple martini on my birthday. ha. kidding.

but i guess i'm gonna run errands around town as usual and get some party favourites up. i think some good ole me time has been missing for a while.

maybe it's time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN (MY) THE WORLD!

TO THE SPECIAL GIRL IN MY HEART


you know, i didn't expect us to go so far in this friendship we have .. through our ugly times as R2D2, jabba the hut and bucktooth mutants...

or your geeky days and my gay smile days..

where we're all hush hush about our affairs even though it's quite open with our other halves...

or when we're all luohaned up and swollen in the faces from laugh cramps....

or when you always try to cheer me up with fake kisses when i'm down and i pull a *aheM* long face...

but still, you're an inner twit at heart.. aND I IsH OwiEZxZXz luRBChEwZXZXz~!

and i've gone through your different hairstyles.. bangs. side fringes.. no fringe (cough)

but you're always gorgeous, coz i'm always fabulous. we've been through sticky food courts, airconditioned malls, clubs..

but when we come back to the first time we got to know each other very well (above), there was a special atmosphere and i'm glad we've been through 11 months (nearly a year lar OMG!)

i'll gladly open my mouth and shout out "THANK YOU FOR BEING MY PRECIOUS FRIEND! -murmur- thoughwedon'tspendmuchtimenowadaysnowthatwe'reattachedtoourotherhalvescoughcough- "

but hey, we'll be professional
and pose our way through this period of life
for i'll stick by you and i've got your back...
you'll be goofy and i like that, you're yourself and i like that, you're the typical all girl and i like that ..
i love you Mandy Soh :) have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR. no greater sibling love than this. hearts my karmic twin deepzxzxzx.

Hotel Paper Memoirs (Adelaide 2007)

i was clearing my room (getting it repainted hurrah!) and i saw this old piece of Holiday Inn Adelaide Paper.. man, i used to write poem/songs alot during my adelaide trips and during that time of great .. feelings.

When i loved thee

You held my hand, my heart began to rose

we broke up, then we said to close

so far away, many miles apart

only choice was to seperate from the start

it's the things to say to mend my broken wings

it's the only thing among others that i want to say

we were great for each other in the first few months

but now, it's gone too fast

i want to make myself happy

after many months of sorrow

there were just that many shoulders

for my tears to borrow

it was a great tragedy

a future wasn't on our list

bitter tears and broken hearts

reconciliations was my greatest wish

then the truth came out

and your heart was devoted to someone else

oh so sad, this fairytale didn't materialise

so sad that our hearts never again were to rise

too bad, you'll never taste the sweet sincerity

that came together when i loved... thee.

moving on is the only way for tears to dry

getting out cause there's nothing left to try

i can't sleep knowing the shit i've gone through

and it's all because of you

Far apart (and lovin' it)

weather's cold the heart's cold

but i'm feeling so right

close your eyes, don't despise

coz you're busy with him all night

i went to sleep without a tear

for i know that nothing's worth you near

baby, it's gone and it ain't worth a shit

coz you're far apart and i'm loving it

the comforts feeling right

don't need you to hold me tight

i want some space to tell myself that this isn't worth the fight

dont' talk to me about getting together

nor bout talks about being friends forever

your dreams and fairytales are so wrong

and it's hard for us to get along.

Wherever you are

midnight

summerlight

drinking in the moment

stupid fights

drunken nights

crying over scared shit

now i'm so whatever

when you come back

i'll be wherever

when you're here i'll be somewhere far away

in my happy place

oh times were rought, my heart could not stand,

but now here's the finger

from my own strong right hand

now i'm so whatever
when you come back
i'll be wherever
when you're here i'll be somewhere far away
in my happy place

okay, so THIS was how i felt that night. surprisingly enough, it's different now. but i guess i do have alot of angst.

damn you Avril Lavigne. but my rhyming ain't that bad. haha. though on song it might be different. hmmm.

okay, chucked it into the bin already. so this is all that's left of this memory.

Splendid Saturday

oh yes, Ave kindly pointed out what if people gave me duplicates for my birthday presents? erm, inform me before hand loh! i know it'll ruin the element of surprise, but still..






oh yes, thanks to Ave who asked me for a quote on this article

ta daaaa, first step to reality TV stardom LOL.

so the Matriach and i went for our usual saturday afternoon lunch (post book out lunch aka) and this time we went to Great World City for some good ol' Thai Cuisines to pump some quarterly heritage back into my bloodstream. bangkok Jam. famous for fusion thai food. okie lar. not much heiritage then. LOL

ass kicking thai tom yum soup. excellent!
ever popular green mango salad. sour zest fused with the sweet tantalising strips of the fruit makes an excellent entree.
Bangkok Jam's signature drink. the Red Ruby - Watermelon, Lychee & Sprite.

Thai MAggi Mee Salad - Super red hot and supposedly famous on road side stalls in BKK.

my favourite green curry :)

kangkong greens with garlic and chilli!


and guess who i FINALLY met up with after eons of absence? we went shopping for the costumes for next saturdays big bash and wanted to get each other's presents but failed to do so. either way, it was great meeting up after nearly a month or longer! LOVES.

PS: wishlist on previous entry.

WISHLIST!

MY 20th BIRTHDAY WISHLIST

1. Allister Whitehead - Let the Music Use You CD Single

it's a song that is frequently played at powerhouse and wasn't able to find it in local stores. so maybe overseas?

2. rhinestone cap! or actually anything from Ed hardy will do (:

3. ODM watches from Japan, aren't these totally cool? it doubles as a lumionus translucent watch slash bangle. i'm not quite sure where you can find 'em though i heard it was published on I-weekly and 8 days 2 weeks back.

4. Playstation 2 Mini set! yes, i've decided to want a PS2 right when PS3 is coming out. oh, a MODIFIED PS 2 mini pls, yes, the inner pirate in me is shouting "arrrrrrh"

5. Mortal Kombat Movies - haha, i suddenly had an urge to keep the series, if i'm not wrong, there's MK1 and 2 (got 3 not?) and would like to buy those DVDs to watch 'em :D

6. Photoframes. nice ones so i can hang up the pretty pretty pictures of glam friends and yours truly. or whenever i need a spare hammer. i'm kidding. :p

7. Vouchers (close friends not allowed to play cheat, cannot buy this for me!) only if you reached your limit of intuition on what to get me do you give me these carbon credits :p

8. Perfume! my favourite scents are usually fruity/sweet and non too musky or woody. an uncommon scent would be great, nothing conventional. just a hint, my current perfumes are The Paul Smith Story & DKNY Be Delicious.

9. Polo Tees (not for close friends!). always welcomed. no fancy designs though.

10. Aviators. nice pair of shades. my current ones are already bent out of shape

11. Nice Berms for clubbing or for towning around. ask me my waist size *shy* HAHA.

12. a nice Wall Clock for my room (which is to be painted soon! yippie!)

things STRONGLY ENCOURAGED NOT TO BUY

1. Perishable items, namely, FOOD FOOD FOOD. (Alcohol is still okay.. i .... guess)

2. Bags, well, i'm in army now, so i rarely get to use my bags on a regular cycle.

3. Tee Shirts. i've got aplenty in my wardrobe, unless you ABSOLUTELY think i'll love it.

4. CDs, my inner pirate objects strongly to it.

5. underwear. i'm a religious follower of the BUM brand.

6. Facial/Body Products. i think i'm confident enough to take care of my own skin =p

7. Stripper. 'nuff said.

-----

that's all at the moment.. i think. well. any questions just approach. if i didn't state it in either of the lists, i shuld be QUITE fine by it. aiya, just ask lar ask lar!

chew on this

who would you listen to?

the voice of reason
the voice of a stranger

or

the voice of a friend?