Overthinking gives me the humpty-dumpties.

i can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt.

but i'll be wise and keep quiet.

*

I really miss Hip Hop dancing, i really do! isolation, jerk movements and all about the groove and attitude *snaps fingers*. Aside from an all-rounded cardiovascular workout, the unglam-ness of banging into the chairs behind me or the wall next to me is laugh-worthy.

so Krabi in less than 24 hours time, I have not packed, I'm leaving with a baggage full of sorrows and a body that cries out to stay at home and work it out rather than going to an exotic place full of scrumptous food. sigh.

*

Can one man really make a difference in this world? okay, aside from Jesus please. We're talking about ordinary human beings here (and don't get me started on doctrines and whathaveyou about Jesus being a normal human being).

How much is your circle of influence? has there ever been a point of time where your words and actions would affect a person's outcome? I wondered if ever I would ever make a difference in this world, through abilities God-given, or creative products self-made.

As i was taking the MRT home, i pondered on the fact on Neil Armstrong, being the first man on the moon, or the maker of credit cards, or even Edison, who ever quoted "success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration" and revolutionised the way we ever functioned our lives on creative thinking and zero labour.

I look at my savings account time and time again, to see how much am i worth. But then again, aren't we judged by our actions? However, no matter how much you value your money, it's gonna die away eventually. I'm not saying to be a spendthrift and be overly generous to your friends. That's props, i respect that.

However, i choose to believe (from now on) to invest in friends that are genuine, sincere and have a future with you. A future isnt' determined by the number of years you're gonna stay together as friends, but by one whom is interested in YOUR own destiny, YOUR welfare and YOUR eventual outcome in life.

Why did i leave some corporate groups? they were insincere, blatantly superficial and didn't give 2 fucking hoots when you're there or even after you left. Why did i stop aiding corporate funds? I felt that much to peer pressure was given, that the overall outcome of giving has simply become a robotic command.

*

Or maybe i just need a shrink (like Dick-ole Ritchie says), i'm confused and i have issues. Though he said it in jest, in reality i really do. I really am confusing, i'm simply a paradox that needs to be deciphered at best, by myself. It may take days, months or even years to simply unlock the inner me, but hey, who's counting the days?

I'm living for myself. I want to have a career and I'm currently working towards it. I want friends that stay and I'm slowly discerning it. I want to be fit and toned and I'm doing activities that would eventually achieve it. I want to learn to love my cherished friends and I'm slowly making conscious sacrifices to avail to their times of need.

I really think too much, I really do. But sometimes, i rather over think than do mundane stuff like idling. I feel that idling is pretty much not being forward looking and being a safety-net spotter.

Or maybe i think too much (of other things) so as to leave this chaotic disorder there is in my current moment. I can be so much of a pacifist that i refuse to acknowledge the problems that are ever so present in my life. It cost me a romance, It cost me a (near) corporate promotion, It cost me friendships, It cost me a diploma in Mass Comm.

Sometimes, i wish i was taller. Then i'd be able to do runway. The lights, the glamorosity, the money, the fashion labels, the all-eyes-on-you moment, the money, the high-life, the money. Afterall, looking like a tall greek god with a face of a horse would definitely give you a runway modelling contract right on your lap.

Sometimes, i wish i was more talented. Then i'd be able to warble down albums for beacoup bucks. Having my own concert with fans of crazy twit girls drawing up cutesy but disgustinly bad posters like "IsaAc RulEZx Moi WoRlDZ~ ISaAC I LuRBCh euUuUU~**" but obviously, they'd be too obsessed with how long my hair (would) be and decide to buy whatever shampoo i endorse on and constantly wash their locks all day.

Sometimes, i wish i stopped wishing and carpe the diem logically and face problems day after day.


afterall, i DID promise to keep quiet.